Stuck

I’m sitting on the balcony of the stage house in Bamako, and it’s beautiful outside. I’ve spent the past few days in good company with all of the good food and TV/internet every deprived Peace Corps Volunteer craves. And I have six more days of it! …but the thing is I don’t want it. I miss site.

I have been gone since last Monday. First to my Regional In-Service Training in Kita, then to Bamako to see a dear friend home, and now I have to wait around to get a mole removed. It is most likely nothing serious, but I can never be too careful as melanoma is in my family. I know that being out for health reasons is completely legitimate, and with all the physical and mental stress that comes with this job, my health has to come first. BUT, I can’t help but feel guilty for being away; feel like I am not doing enough, not doing all that I can to help these people and this place that I have come to love.  Site guilt plagues many volunteers, and it is something that, for me at least, is always luring in the background. I will most likely have to deal with these feelings till the end of my two years, feelings of uselessness and inadequacy, like I am letting my village down. Some days these fears cloud my mind completely and are usually compounded when I am away from site. So, today just happens to be one of those days.

Bear with me as I bemoan in hopes that it will ease my mind.

I miss running after Hamadi my 1 ½ year old little brother who has just begun to speak. His first word was my name.

I miss joking and chatting with my grandmother, Nandi, after dinner every night.

I miss Yah, my 12 year old best friend who comes over every evening to help me water my garden after which we get all sticky and messing eating a papaya.

I even miss my elderly neighbor, my togoma (someone who shares the same name as you) Sira who gives me a hard time about everything.

I miss the simplicity of it all: waking up at dawn, going to bed with the setting sun and filling the in-between spending time with some really amazing people in a truly wonderful place.